There's Always Later
by xonceinadream
Summary: On the ship to Scarif. [Jyn/Cassian] (Obviously contains spoilers.)


He can feel her fear as if it's solid, a dark entity that creates a barrier around her. Most of the men surrounding them are sleeping, heads resting on the wall or on their own shoulders. The ones who aren't are deep in thought.

Jyn seems to be neither. Her breathing is steady but he can hear the hitch in it every handful of exhales. He can see the way that her hands are shaking, even though she has them pressed to her legs. Cassian has spent his life detaching himself from people, not wanting to get too close, knowing that only disappointment awaited him. It's an interesting development that he seems to be able to sense her emotions now.

"You should try to sleep," he murmurs to her, low enough not to disturb the others, settling himself down next to her.

The look she gives him is enough to make his lips twitch into what years ago could've been a smile. "I'm not tired."

"Still. It's a way to pass the time and you can never have too much sleep going into battle." That's not precisely true but Cassian knows that she must be nearly as tired as he is. Neither of them have gotten the sleep they should have in the past few days.

"Then why aren't you sleeping?"

Cassian shrugs, resting his head back. He considers deflecting the question but he figures after so many lies she deserves at least a little honesty. "I have a hard time sleeping when racing through space." He doesn't clarify. He doesn't tell her about his parents, about the crash that took their lives, about his paranoia in the air. Another time, he thinks. Later. He doesn't consider that Jyn might not stay with the rebellion, might go in another direction. She's here for now and the present is all that matters. At least, that's how it's supposed to work.

Another shaky exhale and Jyn presses her nails against her pants. Cassian watches the motion, knowing that if he even made a move in her direction she'd bolt. "When I close my eyes I see my father," Jyn says and the admission startles Cassian. She refuses to look in his direction, her nails scraping across her pants now, a loud sound in the silence. "And my mother. I watched both of them die and now… I have to make sure their deaths weren't in vain. I can't sleep."

She trails off as he stares at her. He knows so little about her and he feels a surge of guilt for what he's already put her through, for what he's dragged her into. The rebellion matters. Her father's sacrifice matters. But so do the individual people whose lives are ruined. It's why Cassian keeps himself at a distance from people. He hates to see the people that he cares about get hurt.

"Stop looking at me as if you feel sorry for me," Jyn snaps, sounding angry as she reaches a hand up to rub across her eyes.

Cassian shakes his head, reaching out to take her free hand before he can consider the consequences. He remembers the feeling of pity all too well. She tenses but doesn't pull away. "My parents and sister died when I was 4. I was taken in by an aunt who died six months later. I didn't realize at the time that they were members of the Rebellion, although it was nothing like it is now.

"There was little organization and the Empire wasn't the massive threat that it is now. The deaths of most of my family was ruled an accident. My uncle and I lived on base until he was killed when I was 6. I was raised on the base by a handful of rebels. Started at a young age doing everything I could to make sure that the Rebellion succeeded. That was the only life I knew and the only one I could contemplate after losing everybody."

There's silence from Jyn and then she turns her hand slightly, facing her palm up so they're really holding hands now. "I've run away for a long time," she finally says, sounding pained and he regrets the conversation. He regrets dragging her into this. He tries to swallow it down, knowing that they have to complete this mission. The galaxy depends on it. But he can be indifferent later. She deserves his emotions right now. "I thought my father abandoned me and then Saw did. I thought that I was better off alone. Nobody cared about me so why would I care about them?

"And I guess I've woken up. So much of this has… depended on people caring, not only about me but about other people. My father…" Jyn winces and he knows that if he speaks then the spell will be broken. "My father spent so many years of his life for this. I can't let him down. I won't." 

"We won't," Cassian confirms, squeezing her hand and she finally looks up at him. He wishes that he could give her proper time to grieve but he can't. Later, he promises. Later is turning into his mantra with her, he thinks with an inward grimace. For a man who's always focused on the present, he can't help but think of the future when she's by him. "You're not alone in this, Jyn. You have a ship-full of men who are ready to stand behind you."

Jyn's eyes connect with his, as if searching for something. He knows that he's lied to her, that they've both almost died because of him multiple times, that she has no reason to be here with him after only knowing him a few days. Trust, he thinks. For some reason, he has her trust. He's not sure he deserves it but he'll make sure not to betray it again. They're going to see this through together.

She seems to be satisfied with whatever she sees. Her hand fits perfectly in his as he realizes that she's not shaking anymore. The fear is still there, heavy in the air but it's dimmed.

"Have you ever done anything like this before?"

Cassian shakes his head. "I've done crazy things but… never anything like this. I don't get into messes that I'm not sure I can get out of."

"Do you think that we'll get out of this mess?" Jyn asks and now it's him searching her. There's fear in her eyes but a strength that he respects. Her strength is one of the first things that attracted him to her, back when she was simply a means to find her father.

The question seems to hang in the air, even heavier than her fear. Cassian has to fight to respond. "I don't know. I'm sure that K could give you some odds."

Jyn smiles at that, a sad smile that makes Cassian want to know more about her. Later, he reminds himself. There's always later. He wants to know more about her mother, her father, her upbringing. He wants to know what she's most scared of, why she would run into an active firefight to rescue a screaming child, why she spent so many years on the run. Cassian wants to know where she finds her strength. 

"I think that I already know the odds. I want to know whether you think that we'll get out of this."

"Let me tell you later," Cassian responds, looking her in the eyes and hoping that she sees the honesty in them.

Jyn looks back before taking a breath and pulling her hand from his. "I'm going to try to sleep," she tells him.

"Probably a good idea," he says with a grin. She turns to shake her head at him, and her smile makes his breath catch. It's there and gone faster than he can even realize but he wants her to smile like that again. Later.

He stands up, heading in the direction of the co-pilot's chair, glancing back and seeing that she's trembling again. He'll comfort her again later. He'll hold her hand, perhaps hold her, as long as she needs. Later. For now, they have plans to find.


End file.
